bass beats pounding in my head
i shake a meathead's hand
"have a good night alrite"
he looks into my eyes he says
everything's gonna be all right!
tell me is he a faggot
how about another round
we've had six
the others don't feel it
but i do
I FEEL IT
i do so much i stumble when i walk
to the bathroom, to the mirror
where i look and i see
another mirror
dance n grind in smoke
this place is a zoo
full of faces and
spaces and
loose limbs
tongues
fingers
under her dress inhale
exhale inhale
exhale
...and you're getting too handsy fuck off
sorry i don't care
fuck off
i don't care
fuck off
you're a bitch i don't care
(all i really wanted to do was fuck you)
thud
thud
thud
is this like the movies?
can't walk
can talk
shit but what for you're
a loser and a drunk
you're gonna puke you're gonna puke
the girl is gone and so's your hope of
not
being
alone (again)
you're gonna puke, don't
and the night is young
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Liked
Rest, needs work.
x
hehe you're not very nice
It was...interesting I suppose? Lacked the capitalization of "I" I think it had some spelling errors, had no general form and was very... unusual.
The only part of the poem I really liked was this part:
Except, it could have been punctuated, Which would help flow a lot in this poem, it needs punctuation with all the line repeats etc. It gave very good images and I could feel the club atmosphere. the I wasn't too keen of the 'n' ha ha.
Good try? I guess. Wasn't really poetry for me, though...
*shakes head* This didn't do much for me. This is just a list of disjointed phrases. It does achieve a certain tone and feeling, but I couldn't visualize it and I couldn't really take anything in. What am I supposed to get from this? What should I take away?
Nice use of voice, but beyond that...too disjointed, nothing precise, no really good subtle points. It didn't speak to me.
Colleen
Please rate this "R" that's all I have to say for now, maybe I'll come back later
Cheerios, Chandni